Well… another sleepless night with a brain that just won’t relax. This seems to be common these days. Only a few months ago I was going to bed at 10 each night. No excuses. Two nights ago I found myself still awake at 330 in the AM. I wake up several times in the night, each time finding it hard to fall asleep again. I told myself it’s because I had to pee, or because the cats won’t let me sleep or because I haven’t felt good, or because I just can’t enough of Brothers & Sisters. But is it really that simple?
We found a new home for our cats. I’m not sick anymore. The show I’m watching is getting a little old. The pee problem hasnt gone away yet. But here I am, still awake. My eyes are heavy and I keep yawning…but I realized my problems is none of the above.
Ever since graduating High School, I have applied to college over and over. Same with financial aid. I keep thinking I am going to go and then never do. One of these days the government is going to stop saying yes and start saying no. Everyone is going to lose faith in me. Actually, I think I am losing faith in myself.
I keep saying I want to be a stay at home mom. That I dont want a higher education and a career. To be honest, with myself and with everyone around me…. Im lying. I do want to be a mommy. But Im not yet. And even when I do get to that point, they wont be small forever. Only a few years before they start going to school… and then what? I just sit at home and wait for possible calls from the teacher?
I dont know how or when this happened…but this has turned into a struggle for me. I am realizing more and more that I want something more. I want to accomplish something in life besides being a wife and mother. Yes I do aspire to that. Yes it is what I want most in life..but that doesn’t mean I cant want more. Do more. Be more.
So I took a career assessment test a few minutes ago. I have already decided I want to go to school but it is really hard to pick a specific field when there are so many options out there. Deciding what is best for me seems to be one of the most difficult decisions ever. All through school I actually wanted to be a teacher. I decided recently that this could become very mundane for me, very fast. It’s simply not for me. So something I have gained a strong interest in is Social Work. It would be hard, but fulfilling.
According to my career assessment test, I would do best in the medical field. Apparently this test only gives you one option because there was no other career possibility that seemed suited for me according to how I answered the questions.
Food for thought I guess.
I have said time and time again that I want to do this or that and I change my mind a lot. This seems to have made it so that people don’t think I will do anything at all, or that I shouldnt because I might not stick with it. I should point out that this is an important decision. Changing my mind is okay. With the first two years being really general, I not only have that time to decide, but I am also allowed to realize a career choice is not for me and choose something else. How disappointing it is to feel like the people who matter, really just don’t believe in me at all. Well, soon enough something will change. Until then, I have my job at SendOutCards to hold me over for the time being. A job I love that just doesn’t satisfy me in the way I am ready to be satisfied.
